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My name is J and I have an addictive illness. My substance of choice is alcohol. A day at a time I have not had to pick up a drink now for almost 7 months. My journey in addiction is not unusual. Somewhere along the line I discovered that life seemed a little more attractive when I had a couple of drinks. It dulled the confusion I felt and took away some of the painful feelings that life’s circumstances threw at me.
Whan I first began to drink alcohol it never occurred to me that I could become addicted to it. Of course I knew at some level that alcohol was an addictive substance and some people are susceptible to becoming addicted to it. However I did not fit the stereotypical image of an alcoholic. In my mind that belonged to men in long coats with scruffy hair who drank from brown paper bags on park benches. I was far removed from that at least for the time being…………………….
I grew up in the Republic of Ireland and despite the cultural that I grew up in not all Irish people drink too much. I was brought up in a family who did not drink a lot. There is no history of alcoholism in my family. My siblings are all social drinkers; my mother was tee total my father a moderate man in every respect. So the nature of my addictive personality is an unknown entity in my family of origin. I have asked many questions of myself over the years to try and come to some understanding and some how fix the problem that I became. The more I questioned myself the further I seemed to fall from grace and into that dark tunnel of despair. I have given up questioning and just for today I try to live in the solution which I have discovered like countless others is acceptance.
When alcohol and I meet the result is lethal and accepting this fact is the key to my recovery.
I turn 50 this year. Over the last 6 years my life has radically changed. The family life I once had is gone, my home gone, friends gone, all the material comforts I once enjoyed all taken. My confidence and self worth diminished I attempted suicide 3 times. At my last attempt I almost succeeded. The common denominator of all my dilemmas is alcohol.
My relationship with this substance is destructive to the point of death. It systematically removed from me everything and anyone of significance. As I watched the destruction of my life I was powerless to stop it and so were all those around me who cared. My family tried to help, my friends eventually gave up. I stopped caring about life apart from where the next drink would come from.
A year ago this month I came to Wales. I was on the run from life from me. Full of shame guilt and remorse. I was baffled. I no longer had a choice I drank not because I wanted to, now I drank because I needed to. I struggled for a while but eventually I was guided to a treatment facility in West Wales. I spent 12 weeks there. I went in there not because I was eager to get well. I went there because I had given up on life and could not face another day alone with me. During my time there I got some hope back and my desire for life returned. It is a slow recovery. It is often a painful journey. Facing myself and the destruction of my life is something that I cannot do alone. On completion of my 12 weeks in West Wales I moved to Touchstones 12 to continue my recovery and rehabilitation into society.
The support compassion and love I receive from all those involved is a priceless gift that I am truly grateful for each day.I have been given a second chance. I attend a support group and I am learning to live and cope with life again.
I am slowly picking up the threads of my life. At Touchstones 12 I have a secure base. From here I have been able to make contact with my family and was recently reunited with my sons. A joyful and painful experience all rolled into one. I did not have to do this alone. I asked for and received help support and loving guidance from my peers and from the staff here.
I want to restart my career and become independent and a responsible member of my community. This takes time and like my journey in addiction it is a gradual process. I am slowly turning things around. In the beginning it seemed like an up hill battle, too arduous to handle. However I do not have to climb alone. In Touchstones 12 there are many resources at my disposal, practical help with looking for accommodation, confidence building and spiritual guidance to help me discover a purpose again. A shoulder to cry on as I negotiate my way forward and deal with life on life’s terms something I could not do before without alcohol to dull my senses. My moments of despair are growing less and less and are being replaced more and more each day with hope with love and with compassion. I no longer feel alone.
I have a healthy fear of alcohol now however I recognise that alcohol itself is not the issue. The real problem begins and ends with me. Today with education and support to change my coping mechanisms I can choose to say no to alcohol and yes to life.
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